Memories

My friend just wrote a piece about her mother's passing.  I have experienced several losses recently.  My mother-in-law passed 4 months ago and my step-dad 2.  I got to show up very differently for the people in my life during those losses than I did at my fathers passing several years ago.
  
I don't remember how many years it has been, but I do remember the call that he was gone.  I let out one long screaming noooooo!  In hindsight I think regret for all of the things left unsaid between us came out in that scream.  When I arrived at my parents house - my mother was standing in the hallway.  She started to cry when she saw me and blurted out "the bastard did it on purpose."  And then we fell together and cried and laughed - because my mother never swore, and my Dad had died on of all days - their wedding anniversary.

I stayed most of the day with my Mom, but then left to go bowling with friends.  I did what I had done my whole life - what my dad had taught me - pull yourself up by your bootstraps - no use crying over spilt milk - just keep putting one foot in front of the other - it could always be worse....  So I shut off the feelings until the funeral - had a moment of uncontrolled weeping when I hugged his oldest and best drinking buddy, and then that was it.  It was done.  Sealed.  Over.

When my father died - I was freefalling.  I no longer had anyone to please or fight against.  No one telling me right from wrong, judging my actions and finding them pleasing or lacking.  A few months before he died I remember coming to him with yet another problem asking what I should do and his response knocked the wind out of me - "I don't know."  It scared me because if he didn't know, how would I know?

My mother sent me a copy of the letter my father had written to all of us girls before he died.  He apologized for not being the father he should have been.  For not giving us the guidance and example a good christian father should have.  I know it was his way of trying to make amends, but I hated it.  I wanted to rip it into pieces and yell at him - he got to say his peace but I didn't - I guess some things never change.   

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started to understand the impact that growing up with an alcoholic father had had on my life. Why I had moved so many times, couldn't stay in a job for long, or had so many relationships that didn't last.

There are a lot of negative things I learned from my father that I am now unlearning.  What I know now is that I had a choice in carrying them with me through my life.  I am now able to see that I learned a lot of wonderful things from my father and I am choosing to be grateful to him for those and replace the negative ones with them.  I know how to work hard, tell the truth, and be kind and generous to others... and for me the best gift of all was a sense of humor.  The ability to laugh -even through the tears.

My father was an alcoholic.  He had a disease.  He loved us the very best he could... and I loved him - that is enough.

 

Boredom

I'm bored.  I find myself checking and rechecking my email.  So far I've gotten alot of Groupon and Living Social deals, new ads from Levi's, Coldwater Creek and OshKosh by Gosh and my daily Freekibble Dog and Cat quiz. I keep hoping for something interesting.  There are lots of things I could be doing - I just don't want to do them.

It's the 22nd of August and about 66 degrees, windy and raining.  It seems I just start to get into the swing of tank tops, shorts and flip-flops and the next day I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.  Yesterday was well into the 80's - we had neighbors over for dinner on the back deck for fresh caught salmon and s'mores around the fire pit for dessert.  I have never considered living somewhere else before - but this summer(?) has me thinking. 

I think I have a mild form of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) and this lack of summer hasn't helped to get me out of the winter doldrums.  We haven't had more than two or three days in a row of sunshine.  When I got up this morning and saw the gray - my anticipation of the day dropped and along with it my activity level.

My husband has been out mowing the grass around the barn in the pouring rain most of the day and is now vaccuuming up the grass he tracked in.  Soon he will head into the kitchen to cook dinner....

I think I'll go check my email....

Living the Dream

A friend of mine posted on her blog today about living the dream.  I wonder what that is...
I thought living the dream meant being single and self-supporting... it wasn't.
I thought living the dream would be marriage and a couple kids...it wasn't.
I thought living the dream would be being an 'empty-nester' with a six figure income... it wasn't.
I thought living the dream would be semi-retired on my own little 5 acres of heaven, in a good marriage and pretty much able to do what I want when I want....but it isn't. 
I don't have that 'I'm so happy to be alive and living the dream' feeling that I THINK people who are really living their dream have.
Don't get me wrong - I am grateful for what I have - but.... there always seems to be a 'but' or an 'if only' at the end of most of my sentences. 
Maybe the problem isn't  my life, but my 'thinking' there's something more out there that keeps me from being happy with today....
I guess I'll have to think about that....

The need to be right

I believe I have one of the greatest needs of anyone I know to be right.  It isn't just about knowing facts - it's about everything in life from how to pack the car correctly to who God is.
Being wrong isn't an option.  And if I ever do happen to be wrong - it's usually because of something you did or said - so ultimately it's your fault.
Everything I did in life until now was justified.  If I lied, it was because I couldn't justify my action, point of view, whatever.  The truth is - in my mind, everything has to be justified, defendable and logical. 
I remember consciously deciding to lie to my husband when I passed the road he would have taken to our destination.  I decided to tell him that I just forgot - when the truth was - I just wanted to go a different way.  I didn't want to get in to a debate about which way was better, shorter, easier.  Because I couldn't 'justify' my decision with logic - I decided to lie.  Is that sick or what?

Relationships: The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.

I'm not very good at relationships.  I'm learning...  I heard someone once say that they needed their 'closet' time.  I think that's a pretty good analogy.  I feel best when no one wants or needs anything from me.  Then I get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, the way I want to do it.  That doesn't usually work real well in relationships... unless of course you're footing the bill. 
Take smoking - I smoke.  There is a love/hate relationship between me and smoking.  I'm addicted, so the act of smoking brings relief as well as self-loathing and fear of physical consequences. 
Just like people... I really love people - having them around brings me pleasure, for a short period of time.  It helps me get out of my head and actually interact with others.  But after they're gone I sit and think of all the things I probably should or shouldn't have said.
So I guess really - it all boils down to 'it's all about me'.  Self-centeredness in all it's glory.

The Good Old Days

When I was a child - I didn't question... I just did.  It was easier that way.  My mind may have been screaming 'this doesn't make sense' but my head was nodding in agreement as the tears rolled. 
When I was a teen - I questioned everything.  There weren't many issues I couldn't take the contrarian point of view.  My mind may have been screaming 'don't say it' but the words were already on their way out.
When I was a young adult - I learned when to question and when to nod in agreement.  My mind may have been screaming things at me, but I just pushed them down and did what was 'expected'.
As an 'older' adult - my head is quieter, most of the time.  Still, sometimes I question and sometimes I nod - depends on how important it is...to me.  I'm learning to listen to my gut more and my head less. 
I guess maybe this blog is just a way to throw what's rattling around in my brain out there and see what comes back.
Thanks for reading